Dealing With Change
I want to stick with some ideas about how we manage change and who we become on the other side of big life changes, with a focus on the changes we would never choose. I also want to touch on the loss that is a part of this package.
Loss is not everything. It is one element. It has a shape. It has edges. It includes waves of disorientation, a before and after that are different. It requires the work of building a new normal. Thisis a process, and a strange one at that. It is hard to get yourself situated; yet loss is a part of a life well lived. I don’t think we often hold it in this particular way. We think it is something we don’t deserve, didn’t expect, don’t want, and can’t bear, but it is indeed an inevitable part of life. It is an inevitable part of a life well lived.
How do we manage it so that we look back and feel we lived change and loss well?
This is where decisions come in. We need to make good decisions along the way, and there are some key decision points that require extra attention. We are not victims of what happens to us. We all have the capacity to choose how we respond to the changes that we face. We can become something new, something more.
Key decision points to look for, pay attention to, and manage with intention
Decision Point #1: Understand why this is so hard.
Recognize and allow yourself to process why it is hard. If you understand why you feel the way you do, it is easier to step back and get a different perspective on it all. The reason this type of change is hard in the first place is that it rocks your very foundation. It threatens your identity and that deep sense of who you are. Many people get stuck here. It is easy to confuse the loss of a role with the loss of oneself.
Take a huge dose of self-compassion and reflect on the difference between who you are and what you do or what you can do. The path into this is focusing on why you do things. What are the values that drive you? These remain and can serve as a guiding light to finding new ways to express what you value most.
Perhaps this is an opportunity to find values that you have lost touch with along the way. It is easy to get lost in the pursuit of comfort and success, what we feel we deserve or have earned. Our new situation may prompt us to rediscover our true values and focus on aspects of life we have lost touch with that hold deep meaning.
Decision point #2: Understand the stress of uncertainty and build tolerance for that
Discomfort with uncertainty does not equal failure. This is a fully human reaction. We are not made for, or wired to, relax in uncertain circumstances. Research shows that people feel more stressed when they have a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when they are told they have a 100% chance (De Berker et al., 2016). Uncertainty gets to us, and the decision point is whether we are going to allow ourselves to lock into anxiety, fear, and false certainty or build a tolerance for allowing some open space. We need to reduce our need for closure and clear answers when such answers do not exist. The path into this process begins with deciding to foster curiosity.
Can we reframe uncertainty as something to explore, question, consider, and learn from, rather than eliminate? Language matters.
Find new words and get curious.
Decision Point 3: Who might I become?
There are many considerations and perspectives at this decision point. The first captures the fact that who you are today is not the person who will see you through the challenges ahead. We all underestimate how much we will change in the future. At the beginning of a difficult journey of adapting to changes we would never choose, we tend to assume that we will make this entire journey as the person we are now. We will all be changed along the way.
Within this process, we can reimagine possible selves and nurture our imaginations about what is possible. We can lean on our values, focus on what we have in our lives, and not be defined by what has been lost. Consider who you could be on the other side of this. You can be different, and you can be more capable than you are now.
Decision Point #4: Coping strategies – distraction vs avoidance
As we work to accept uncertainty rather than avoid it, it is important to allow ourselves breaks. We have a strong cultural emphasis on “pushing through,” and we are doing so by simply working through the process of opening ourselves to uncertainty. Within that process, we need to build in breaks, and distractions can be good breaks.
Distractions can be good tools for dealing with uncertainty and difficult change. The focus is on distractions and breaks that are restorative rather than avoidant. Be intentional. Initiate that which brings balance – meaningful connections, walks in nature, meditative practices, creative practices. Find what works for you and recognize the importance of these coping strategies. Go beyond simply “giving yourself permission” and give priority to these elements that build our capacity to hold, with peace, the uncertainty that is a part of life.
A quick summary
1. Be kind to yourself and understand why change is so hard.
2. The stress of uncertainty is real. We are not built for it. You have to build tolerance like you build muscle strength- with intentional effort.
3. Who you are today is not the person who will see you through. You have unknown capacities within yourself waiting to find their expression and become something more.
4. Find and use positive distractions as coping strategies. Make a plan and use these daily.
I would like to close with a quote from Niall Wialliams:
“All that had stitched me into this life came undone, and I couldn’t escape the feeling that folded against my back were wings that had failed to open.”
When we all feel that life is coming undone, may we find the wings we never knew we had.
Cheers to all,
Lauren
References:
De Berker, A. O., Rutledge, R. B., Mathys, C., Marshall, L., Cross, G. F., Dolan, R. J., & Bestmann, S. (2016). Computations of uncertainty mediate acute stress responses in humans. Nature communications, 7(1), 10996.
Shankar, M. (2026). The other side of change: Who we become when life makes other plans. Riverhead Books. [1, 2, 3, 4]