Welcome to Summer
New content for summer
Summer has arrived. Many of you know my life runs on an academic calendar. In the past, I have taken summers off from writing here, but this summer I plan to continue posting twice a month. I will be working on Parkinson’s research to begin posting in the fall, but this summer I will write here about how we deal with changes we did not want and how to nurture joy when life is hard.
I’m sharing my thoughts and ideas so you have an idea of what to expect.
Here is a list of things that are on my mind.
The topics fall into three main categories.
First, who do we become when life changes in big ways we never would have chosen?
Second, how do we grow through difficulty? Many people get bitter and withdraw. How do we avoid that and do the opposite? What are the decision points that matter? How do we catch ourselves and make the next good decision?
How do we find joy when life is not at all what we expected? On this point, I am not talking about positive thinking; I am talking about “drop to your knees gratitude” for the life you have that you never would have chosen. Is that possible? I believe it is, but how do we get there?
Here are a few more thoughts in the form of questions that I am considering.
1. Who we become as we make our way through big changes we did not want is impacted by the decisions we make along the way. What are these key decision points? How can we move forward in a way that cultivates openness and hope, as opposed to fear and anxiety?
2. When facing unexpected constraints, how can we consider and think on new, positive versions of ourselves, and crack open our imagination in new ways?
3. What mental patterns are most common and most damaging when dealing with unwanted change?
4. How can we turn toward meaning and fulfillment when loss is knocking at the door?
5. How do we nurture joy in times of hard change?
6. How can we truly let go of the life we wanted and love fully and unconditionally, the life we have?
7. What is the path to joy? I know it goes through loss. I know it is filled with mystery. I don’t believe there are shortcuts, but if I find any, I promise I will let you know.
As I write this list, I realize it may not sound like the top ten picks for summer reading. We live in a culture that sells us on the idea that if we “just do it’ we will get the outcome we are looking for. We can push our way to happiness if we optimize our time, set goals, dig in, and rely on our grit. If we just build the right habits and eat enough protein, we can unlock the life we were meant to have. But what happens when life makes other plans and takes us down roads we would never choose?
We all know that life happens. Illness happens, grief happens, heartbreak happens. And even if nothing catastrophic happens, ordinary life finds a way to bleed us dry. Yet there is also a mysterious joy that shows up when things are hard. It appears in ordinary moments. It is woven into purpose and connection in a beautiful way that is mysterious and powerful, but we have to know how to look for it.
I want to explore this and see where it shows up, how it presents, and how we can open up to it.
I think all of us have so many new opportunities that result from a life we would not have chosen.
I think of these opportunities as yellow doors. This image is from the work of Dr. Lisa Miller. She presents the idea that we normally go through life aware and alert to desires and signals that we will follow – green doors and red doors. We often miss the yellow doors. Green doors are recognizable and desirable. They are open and available to us. Red doors are also easy to recognize. They signify outcomes we wanted but cannot access. Yellow doors are not easy to recognize or accept because we tend to remain focused on what we wanted that is not available. We obsess about the red door, and ignore the yellow one. Yellow doors represent new opportunities you might not have known even existed. These doors usually lead to outcomes and relationships that are better suited to you than you originally thought. They hold good things you cannot yet imagine.
Here’s to yellow doors and discovering what is behind them.
Cheers to summer!
Lauren